Married to the most wonderful man
Sell the flat/Buy a family house
That was 2014, I felt really in control and grown up. I read a few baby manuals so the whole motherhood thing was covered off. I had even secured a place at a nursery, so that’s the childcare sorted. Yes this career girl come mother-to-be was on it. In my head, I was going to do the Mat’ leave thing and then return to my old life.
Then my son was born. Nothing could prepare me for how much I had fallen in love with him. EEEK real feelings. We were together 24/7. We had made friends with some wonderful local Mamas, created a new routine and life was good. I loved everything about being in this little family.
Going back to work was something I accepted but I didn’t think for one moment that it would be the biggest adjustment. The month before I went back, I cancelled the nursery place, visited another, cried at the conditions and hired a nanny. Knowing my son would be looked after at home gave me comfort but in all honestly it didn’t give me much else.
A year had past and I returned to work. I spent everyday hiding the anxiety of being apart from my baby. No one knew how much it hurt to be away from him. I put on a brave face and instead told everyone that I missed work and it was where I longed to be. However this was far from the truth. I spent every day in the fire escape, crying. I have never felt so alone. How no one realised why my face was permanently red and puffy was beyond me. I was unsupported and was thrown in at the deep end. Then I decided enough was enough and I would throw myself into the job. I detached myself from any emotion as I knew if I talked about it, I was afraid I would break. The ‘coming in to work early’ and ‘working when I got home’ started so I felt like I was not spending any time with my family. I felt so sad. I felt like I had lost control and wasn’t a mother anymore
Weeks, turned into months and I knew I needed help. The crying was draining, the sadness was smothering, life had become a shadow of the year before. I was at breaking point.
I was diagnosed with mild Post Natal Depression, I was prescribed some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. My clinician decided against the pill popping route until we tried alternative ways to manage it.
I had my first session with a clinician; We talked, I cried, we talked some more and I felt like I could make sense of everything. I had gained some perspective and I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. Something clicked after my second session and I felt back in control of my life again. Somehow I knew how to take my situation forward. I created a balance across my world, I stopped taking work home and started focusing on being a mother again. 9 months after I returned to work, I fell pregnant and at that point I left the company. Leaving gave me time to concentrate on my family.
Four months after leaving my job, I started The Curious Life of a Mummy blog. The blog has been a great platform to talk about my experiences of motherhood and it turns out there are a billion of us going through the same thing.
The blog has opened my eyes to so many opportunities outside of my industry, so much so, I am in the process of setting up Roxby + Pearl, a collection of ‘must have’ stylish trans-seasonal clothes designed to support women through motherhood and beyond. Now leaving the children for the odd meeting is easy. In fact, I feel like I am thriving again. There will come a time when I return to the day job. It was a big part of who I was before I had my children but for now I am taking each day as it comes and enjoying the precious time I have with my little family.
Until now, I have struggled to share this story with anyone. The stigma around mental health, made me feel uncomfortable about admitting that I suffered with depression. I am lucky to have the support of the most loving family and the most amazing girl friends who made me realised that it is okay not to be okay and that is why two years on, I decided to share my story with you.
If you want to know more about the fantastic support networks out there, head to the links below: